Tuesday, April 2, 2024

SojoMail - Three nights of silence

SojoMail

So many of us can talk “big talk about God,” yet still long to feel deeply known and loved by our Creator. This Holy Week, we’re sharing an excerpt of Laurel Mathewson’s essay about Teresa of Ávila, a 16th-century Spanish saint, and an unexpected mystical experience that transformed Mathewson’s understanding of her faith. 

From the outside I might not seem like someone who struggled to have a close relationship with God. I am, in the words of one of my slightly befuddled college friends who asked me to officiate at his wedding, a “real-life religious person.” But even as I filled out applications for seminaries and divinity schools, understanding in my mind how the work of ordained ministry aligned with my gifts and values, I wrestled with the vexing question of God’s love and personal care for humanity.

I prayed with integrity, trusting that in some mysterious way this was good and right and helpful, even if it was simply a matter of reorientation toward humility and justice. I could talk about following the way of Jesus with integrity — the way of forgiveness, reconciliation, truth telling, humble service, compassion — trusting it as a holy path of justice and healing. It seemed to me a path simple but not easy, full of hope for the world’s transformation if we paid heed. But I recognized, even if obscurely, something I felt I could not do with integrity: Proclaim God’s love for the world or any particular person.

One afternoon, I admitted this out loud, and received in return a piece of life-changing advice.

“I really think you need a silent retreat,” my spiritual director said.

“How long?” I asked.

“Oh,” she said plainly, “it takes at least three nights.”

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